page updated 25 August 2010

Advance Warnings:

·         AGM – Monday 20^th September, at the clubhouse, starting at 8:00 PM sharp.  Formal notification will be sent out soon.  All members are encouraged to reserve this date and attend.  Only paid-up members are eligible to vote. 

·         President’s Luncheon – Saturday 13^th November, at the Clubhouse (1^st XV fixture versus Tottonians).  We will issue invitations once arrangements have been finalised.  All non-playing members and their guests are encouraged to attend.

 

The Perils of Prior – Series 3, Episode 10

By RUA Pratte

‘Kill El Presidente’

“Bravo chaps!” enthused Captain Prior, after his crack squad had narrowly seen off a fierce raid from the Purley Pirates.  “Let’s go & celebrate in the mess!” 

Prior & co. trooped into bar, and were confronted with the hideous sight of a hoard of drunken veterans, noisily smashing everything they couldn’t drink.  Their activities were being orchestrated by the grey haired loon, known as El Presidente, who was busily wrecking the piano.  Prior smiled grimly, and went in search of Colonel Ralston, whom he found hiding behind the beer barrels. 

“He’s got to go, NOW!” exclaimed Ralston.  “I don’t wanna see dat El Presidente round here no more.  Next thing you know, he’ll be burning my tomato plants!” 

Prior called his team together, and explained their important new mission, and asked for useful suggestions. 

“Let’s chop him up with ninja swords, and chuck him in the brook,” suggested Agent Hearne. 

“Let’s haul him up on the roof, and throw him down the chimney,” countered Agent Moore. 

“Let’s tie him up, and bore him to death listening to one of your speeches,” added Agent Jones Major. 

Prior listened to all this with increasing desperation.  But then, inspired by the Spirit of Ferraby, inspiration came to him.  Surreptitiously, he filled a huge earthenware mug with his own special brew, a fiendish blend of nitric acid, methylated spirits and tincture of rats’ gall bladder.  “The old fool won’t know the difference until it’s too late.  Ha ha ha!” thought Prior. 

Sure enough, El Presidente made a beeline for the giant foaming tankard, as soon as Prior showed himself back in the smouldering bar room.  “Gimme that!” he snarled, grabbing the mug from Prior.  He tipped back his grizzled head, opened his mouth - and consumed the entire beverage in one massive swallow.  Prior grinned savagely. 

El Presidente lurched to the left, then to the right, then backwards (you get the idea).  His ravaged face turned purple.  Smoke & steam issued from his ears.  Then he steadied himself, grabbed Prior by the lapels, and spoke, raspingly: “Time for another of those, have we?” 

Past Players Luncheon – Saturday 6^th March

80 past players assembled at the Motspur park pavilion, to enjoy a reunion luncheon – and to endure the Presidential speech.  This was probably the biggest event of its kind to be staged at the King’s facility, in terms of numbers, and arguably, of the quality of the meal.  The Club is very grateful to Ian Hay, Mike Bruce and Graham Hill for organising tables of their peers – and especially to Phil Woods, who pretty much reassembled the JS 1^st XV of 1969-70 - complete with coaching team of Messrs. Hein & Jones. 

Our guests included David Hastings & Richard Cebreiro, the President and Chairman respectively at PJF RFC, who seemed to enjoy the occasion as much as one can when one’s team comes second – having scored the only try - in a rather dour match. 

We also welcomed Stephen Tester, a Trustee of the OKC, and, coincidentally, a 1969-70 Upper Remove contemporary of the large reunion group.  Stephen is labouring with Cavan Taylor to conclude an acceptable draft agreement with the School for the licensing of the pitches at Motspur Park.  Once the School have indicated that they will accept our proposals, these will then be put to our membership for ratification, at an EGM – or at the AGM if progress continues to be slow.  We should, of course, be optimistic that the Governing Body will enthusiastically work together to secure the key facility of the most long-standing, successful and active branch of the OKC.  If there should be a governor or two on your social or professional circuit, please give them a gentle reminder of the importance of this issue for all the interested parties see:

http://kcs.org.uk/index.php?option=com_content&task=category&sectionid=16&id=43&Itemid=264

We are already planning a range of further events – perhaps at various budget levels – for next season.  We want to continue to attract the biggest community of past players, OKs and others with an interest in King’s rugby, and to do all that we can to ensure everyone’s enjoyment. 

Saturday 6^th March

King’s 9 Purley John Fisher 5 (Penalties: Hearne(3))

King’s & PJF came into Saturday’s encounter buoyed by wins against relegation threatened Bromley & Old Dunstonians respectively the week before.  The teams had played out a close 17-20 encounter before Christmas in which King’s had come away with a narrow victory, something PJF were doubtless anxious to reverse. 

A glorious sunny day saw the touchlines refreshingly well packed with a large number of spectators who had enjoyed a pre-game lunch in the salubrious surroundings of the clubhouse.  The home players for their part were left a little bemused as to why they had been asked to get to the ground nearly 2hrs before k.o., not least Agent Kiddle who looked particularly dejected unsure as to (a) why he wasn’t allowed into the bar & (b) which changing room he should be in.

The pitch looked to be in good condition & PJF kicked off playing with the wind towards the clubhouse.  Both teams chanced their arm early on, but the early exchanges showed there looked to be little between the sides, with the set-pieces and breakdown evenly contested.

PJF were eventually presented with the first opportunity to break the deadlock when a penalty kick at goal drifted wide.  Soon after, PJF nearly found a way through wide on the left only to be denied by a last ditch tackle as the ball-carrier dived for the whitewash close to the corner-flag.  PJF were awarded another kickable chance ten minutes before the break, but again the ball slewed to the left of the posts.  For their part King’s probed with ball in hand and with the boot before a largely uneventful first half, disrupted by injuries and positional changes to both sides, drew to a close with the score locked at 0-0.

The second half could not have started better for the home side as they were presented with their first opportunity for points from a penalty as Mike Jones’ kick-receipt was fumbled.  Full-back Jamie Hearne made no mistake with the kick; 3-0.  PJF responded and looked dangerous with the ball in hand, not least No.8 Phil Jones carrying the ball with energy and purpose.  It was however King’s who drew blood next when PJF were penalised for a push in the lineout.  The kick bisected the uprights and King’s led 6-0.  PJF, sensing they needed to up the tempo, replied almost immediately working the ball well through several phases, before a combination of sloppy tackling and the flattest of passes put them over for the score they craved.  The conversion missed, they trailed 6-5. 

As the game moved into the final quarter PJF threw the ball around in a bid to find a way through and more than once broke the line only to see the final pass spilled forward or into touch.  King’s battled their way back and were rewarded with a long-range penalty just inside the PJF half but bang in front.  Another sure strike from Jamie Hearne made it 9-5. 

A furious last few minutes ensued as PJF continued their search for points, but King’s defended resolutely and PJF were left frustrated as the home side held out for the narrowest of wins.

Both teams have experienced mixed fortunes this year, achieving some notable victories but also suffering some costly defeats.  With the sides now looking safe in 7^th & 8^th place respectively, both will have one eye on next year and achieving improved consistency.  Whilst the game was not the spectacle that players and supporters alike would have wished, it was a result King’s ground out and can be proud of against a team who have improved as the season has progressed.  King’s now look forward to a trip to the south coast and Lewes away on Saturday.

The Perils of Prior – Series 3, Episode 9

By RUA Pratte

Help is at hand for Captain Prior & his men…or is it?

“It’s not good enough, Prior!” complained Colonel Ralston, as he refilled his tumbler from the nearby bottle of ‘Betteshanger Headbanger’ 40% British Sherry-style wine.  “You may have seen off last week’s oppo, but there are tougher trials to come.  Look at the state of your squad – Kiddle, for example -a total shambles!  Your boys have fallen under the influence of that old dodderer who hangs around the bar, furtively slurping from other chaps’ glasses, and mumbling incoherent rubbish about our tactics.” 

“Ah,” replied Prior.  “You mean Corporal Squiddy!  I never did like the look of him.” 

“No no NO!” shouted Ralston.  “I mean the one who brazenly styles himself as ‘El Presidente’.  He’s got to go.  You need to surround your team with more wholesome influences, and I’ve set up a tea party to introduce you all to some wonderful veterans, who will guide by example.  There’s Phil ‘The Power‘ Woods, Wrecker Brooks, Gus ‘Scotch’ Donaldson and Mike Bruce - the legendary King of the Kingston Teddy Boys.  Then there’s Major Hamilton (JDE), purveyor of flying flank attacks, and possessed of a dropped shoulder charge worth more than a couple of battlefield nukes.  And there’s Lieutenant Ian ‘Hair Spray’ Hay, on whom the oppo could never lay a hand (and vice versa), and the Wingate boys: one a smooth-talking, ruthless assassin, and the other - err, err, - a smooth-talking, ruthless assassin – but quite different, you understand.” 

“The old boy’s really lost it this time,” thought Prior, smiling grimly.

King’s v Bromley RFC

King’s ventured down to Bromley with the added bonus of a beautifully hung over Kiddle coming along to provide us with cover in the backs. Paddy must have asked him for his pace, kicking ability and handling or maybe because Kiddle can’t say no. Mainly when it comes to booze though!

On to the game which was to be played on a rather good pitch considering the weather in the week. Captain Moonface won the toss and chose to go up the hill and into the wind first half. Stout defence from Kings and good poaching of the lineout by Tom Moore meant Kings turned around 5-5 at half time. Rob Morrison scoring a good try in the corner as our only score of the half.

Then  the team talk from our leader who extolled the virtues of defence in the first ten minutes. Unfortunately a member of our backline seemed to leave one of his arms somewhere at half time and proceeded to defend like the drummer from Def Leppard. We conceded two tries in quick succession and were staring down the barrel at 19-5 after ten mins of the second half.The temper tantrum from the full back was a sight to behold apparently after the conceding of the second try of the half.

Luckily for King’s Mike Jones and the drummer from Def Leppard kicked us into good positions in the Bromley half and our strength in the scrum and lineout meant we could exert considerable pressure on the line of Bromley. King’s scored twice from the hands of ‘hogger houlder’ and were now only two points behind.

King’s scrum decimated Bromley one more time and the ref had no choice but to award a penalty try after many pens had been conceded on the Bromley line by their retreating pack.

Ralston Junior finished it off with a sniping break and Kings won 31-19.  Our drummer was Nick Burberry.

Next week is Purley. Please come and watch as support at home is a great asset. If we play for 80 minutes next week I can see a victory but it needs us all to play and all to come to training.

Saturday 23rd January -  1st XV 28 Deal and Betteshanger 31

Inconsistency was the name of the game as King's lost to Deal at Motspur Arms Park.

 

After more than a month away from competitive rugby, Thursday night training ended with a grave warning from the sagacious Bensohn - we had to sort our heads out before entering the game on Saturday. This message was picked up by skipper Prior on the morning of the game as he stressed that we had to win the first 20 minutes to give ourselves a good chance of opening the second half of the season with our noses in front.

 

Contrary to these wise warnings and in true King's style we found ourselves standing behind our goalposts 0-19 down with only twelve minutes gone. Albeit that Deal were ruthless and accurate in their finishing, we couldn't help feeling that we had gifted the travelling side these points. The large deficit finally gave us the kick we needed to take the game into our own hands.

 

The key proponent of this new found vigour was Burberry, emerging at last from the cloud of boozy vapour which had enveloped him as he bathed with a dozen lithe thai boys in the early hours. After winning a penalty try from a quick tap near Deal's line he then chased down a Jones chip, narrowly beating the Deal cover to touch down in the corner. Hearne added the extras to bring the score to 14-19 as the first half came to a close.

 

The second half saw King's pick up where we left off. A seemingly innocuous line out on the Deal 22 saw King's set an excellent maul which we drove all the way over the line, Eddie Milne applying his substantial weight to ensure the ball was grounded. A simple conversion for Hearne and King's led for the first time, 21-19.  The game showed no sign of slowing down and the middle period of the second half saw some hard running and intense physical exchanges, with both sides creating chances swiftly to be denied by keen defence. At length, Trousers Smith snatched a tricky interception and ran in a try from well inside the King's half, which Hearne duly converted. 28-19.

 

King's entered the final 15 minutes with a good lead and all the best intentions but were simply unable to hold out. Deal came back quickly and made the most of a good territorial position to put their lock over from second phase ball. The killer blow was a 50 metre interception from the pacey Deal right wing, leaving King's only a few minutes to attempt a comeback which never came(back).

 

King's played some great rugby in the middle half of the game but failed to wake up in the first quarter or put the final quarter to bed. Thanks to Deal for a good and fair game, we look forward to seeing them next season.

 

The Perils of Prior – Series 3, Episode 8

By RUA Pratte

 

Captain Prior’s crack squad of highly trained agents, saboteurs and Morris dancers has enjoyed mixed fortunes in their campaign against the Evil in the East.  Now, a new enemy strikes from within! 

 

‘Have you heard of Political Correctness, Prior?’ asked Colonel Ralston, as he reached for another bottle of Vieux Reynard genuine Napoleon Cognac.  ‘No, I didn’t think so.  Well, my chiefs think it’s very important, and they have infiltrated a PC Audit Officer, Major Kruella de Whippe, into your section.  I’m amazed you haven’t noticed her.’ 

‘Ah’ said Prior ‘She must be that rather strange chappie in the black leathers and cheap aftershave.  I thought he was a bit odd….’

‘Never mind that’, snapped Ralston.  ‘Major de Whippe’s report demands that immediate changes be implemented, especially in the matter of ethnic stereotyping.  Now listen up.  The Irish are NOT ill-disciplined drunken street fighters; they are sensitive, creative poets.  South Africans are NOT psychotic colonial thugs; they’re dedicated, highly intelligent intellectuals.  The Scots are NOT miserable, maladjusted scroungers; they’re amusing, talented team players.  The Kiwis are not wild, tattooed savages; they’re..er …er.. er… they’re just better than that.’ 

‘I see,’ responded Prior, ‘but what about the Welsh?’

‘Hmmm,’ replied Ralston, ‘Now that’s a completely different matter.’ 

 

NB Mr Pratte is currently under investigation for an offence under section 28 of the Race Relations Act 1976 Ed.

 

Saturday 19th December -  1st XV 56 Old Reigatian 55

Our illustrious Captain, Mark Prior, has finally disappointed us with a match report, just 16 days and 14 hours since the conclusion of the match. Here is his effort, with corrections…

 

“KCS' 2nd fixture of the year against Old Reigatians had a surreal feel about it, clearly enhanced by the pre-christmas alcohol induced torpor that most of the team were under the influence of. On arriving at the Fortress Motspur we were greeted by scenes of almost Narnia like frigidity and both teams were called to inspect the pitches. After sage words of wisdom about the dangers of frozen ground from the half backs it was decided that the risk of concussion was preferable to playing on the 2nd of January so the match was on. It is worth mentioning at this point that the team had two points of particular note from a statisticians point of view; firstly the average age was only 23 due to the influx of students home for the hols and secondly, the average height of the backs was only 5 foot 2 as a result of that same influx of students.

“From the start it was clear that the ice on the pitch called for special tactics. Both sides were clear on this from the start so tackling was declared somewhat optional from the off. This helped KCS register the first converted try after only 2 minutes of play. However at this point Old Reigatians realised that no tackling meant that running with the ball would mean scores and proceeded to prove this point a number of times.

“By half time OR had built a convincing lead of 34-16 and the King's tactic of allowing them to feel secure in their superiority was working well. The second half began and as the King's forwards were feeling a tad chilly a series of penalties in the Reigatians 22 were used to warm up by electing for scrums. This lead to a score for the home side by our No.8 Ollie Mather on his debut.

“However it was noted that Reigatians heads were starting to drop so King's encouraged them by allowing further trys to be scored to bring the score to 52-30 in their favour. At this time reinforcements were called for and once again Noel Edmonds and our tame tiger came on to score 4 tries and seal the game in a final score of 56-55. At which point the team duly noted that the result was never in doubt and retired to the club house for some self-congratulary back patting and some small glasses of finest sherry.”

 

Mark, See me. All others, sate yourselves with Mr Pratte's latest instalment of...

 

The Perils Of Prior - Series 3 Episode 7

By R.U.A. Pratte

 

In Which the Christmas Fairy Visits Cap’n Prior

 

The Christmas Fairy appeared in a shimmering of fairy dust, and granted Prior one wish.

‘Why don’t I get three, like normal people?’ complained Prior.

‘Because you haven’t been good enough!’ replied the fairy.  ‘OK, what’s it to be, Sunshine?......................’

 

As Prior entered the team meeting, everyone rose deferentially to their feet, with a chorus of ‘Good morning sir. Isn’t your badge nice & shiny! Please may I do extra PT?’   

‘Right gentlemen,’ explained Prior to the hushed and expectant mass of highly tuned humanity.  ‘The Reigate Rogerers are raiding us this week, and I have devised a fiendishly cunning plan cooked up to confound their knavish tricks.  We’ll lull them into a false sense of security by offering no defence whatsoever, and when they relax (as they, in their hubris, surely will), we’ll hit them with everything we’ve got, down the middle, round the flanks, under water, over the ice & underground.’   

‘English genius!’ said Jones Major admiringly.

‘Bokka-bakka-worra-YAR!’ agreed Agent Milne.

‘Worthy of Julius Whatisname!’ enthused Junior Agent Kiddle.

‘Unbelievable Sir, they’ll never get the hang of your wizard wheeze – and I’ll wear 3 pairs of trousers to ensure that nothing can go wrong,’ added Agent Sideshow.

And that’s exactly what happened.  Well, most of it…..

 

President's Half Season Report

The 1^st XV squad can look back on a symmetrical first half of our league campaign, with a playing record of W5 D1 L5, and a table position of 7^th.    We have done well in winning virtually every close game in which we’ve been involved, and it’s only the professional outfits at the top of the league who have been too powerful for us.  We have enjoyed strong second halves in the last two seasons,  and we can again look forward to a strong finish, and perhaps a few upsets of teams presently above us.  

 

The 2^nd XV and the Anchormen have both had their moments.  I hope that everyone in the squads will commit themselves to play regularly in the second half, and that we can achieve winning results (and high enjoyment levels) right through the senior club.

 

Best Christmas & New Year wishes,

 

Kelvin

Saturday 12th December -  Tonbridge Juddian 84 1st XV 5

'Saturday afternoon and a first string outfit lined up against league giants TJ. Every man had attended training on Tuesday and many had been involved in the discretionary sprints session held in Prior's garden on Thursday. The only question mark hovered over the 15 shirt but relief came as Hearne decided to ignore his calf twinge, even though it really hurt. 

 

A strong start saw Kings dominate the TJ half, with extended pressure leading to tries from Harrison through the centres and Landsberg from the back of a maul, both converted artfully by Hearne the Brave. There was further entertainment for the ton-strong throng of travelling supporters in the form of three long range drop goals from Bensohn, bringing the score to 23 - 0 after three minutes. Any possession the home side could gather afforded them nothing, flying as they did like flies into a windscreen to be splattered against the rock solid midfield defence. Further offensive pressure saw youngsters Stoppani, Tyler and Humphreys cross the whitewash, Hearne the Brave making no mistake in providing the extras to bring the half time score to 46 - 0.

 

Of course, the boys had expected more so the half time huddle was mute. Thankfully, Prior made an effective speech and the boys went into the second half cheered and ready to play some real rugby. Pad swapped Bensohn for Jones Sr but kept back Sideshow as the line out was operating well with Curtis and Robson, relieved for the week from his Quins duties.

 

The second half saw Kings up the ante and the boys were camped out in TJ's half for thirty minutes. Sadly, very few points came from this extended pressure and the boys had to sate themselves with a neatly worked corner flag try from Cooke, a brace from Ralston and six drop goals from Kiddle. The disappointment began to tell and as heads dropped TJ finally regathered some form. The powerful TJ 8 came close to crossing the half way line only to be stopped by a manful covering tackle from DC. Pad bolstered the flagging back line with replacement centre Roberts who tightened things up to ensure Kings saw out the final stages without conceding. Late tries from Noel Edmunds and a tiger brought up the final score of 99 - 0 and as the boys were carried off by a legion of pert blonde virgins, the sky went a peculiar shade of purple and all noise gave way to the sweet caressing of harps borne down from the aether by a troupe of Halbro clad angels and a phone buzzed again and again with good tidings of next week's availability...' 

 

The General awoke with a wet patch on his crotch. The voice on the radio told him it was Saturday morning and his heart sank. Today he had to drive the boys down to their certain fate at Tonbridge and he hadn't even painted the bus. He knew the scratch side he had managed to assemble had guts in abundance but were they up to Tonbridge's professionalism? Pad swallowed his dread and perused the collection of sickly yellow paints in his garage. Brushing away the dust from a tin of Matt Ape Vomit he allowed himself a consolation smile as he realised that not all of his dream was false - at least Hearne wouldn't let him down.

 

As Pad had expected, TJ were too much for Kings on Saturday. Despite a high tackle count, TJ were very skilled in the offload and crossed the line countless times to bring up the above score. Man of the Match went to Gert Moller who leaves us for a ski season and special mention goes to Crew Jones for a very cheeky try from a disrupted TJ scrummage and to Messrs Catley and Sullivan who put in big defensive performances despite not having played as much as they might have liked this season.

 

Saturday 5th December -  1st XV 7 Hove 23

The 1st XV could not continue the run of victories although there was evidence that the run of form continues in the close encounter with Hove at Motspur Park.

 

Saturday 28th November - Purley John Fisher 17 1st XV 20

By Crew Jones

 

The 1XV recorded their fifth win of the season - and first on the road - in heavy conditions at Purley. Despite being famed for their expansive approach, KCS showed their versatility in reverting to a more limited game-plan, relying on an outstanding lineout and the solid place kicking of full-back Jamie Hearne.

 

KCS started strongly, winning a penalty on half-way which scrum-half Crew Jones took quickly. Smashed, scragged, and penalised; the repercussions of this error in judgment continued deep into the evening. However further penalties were sensibly kicked into the corner, where the lineout was functioning superbly. Bob York, throwing with the accuracy of a focused William Tell, repeatedly found Darryn Clark at the tail, and from powerful mauls penalties were awarded, and six points picked up, although twice the maul was so well set it should have been more. It was soon third time lucky though when Jonny Kiddle continued his rich vein of try-scoring form, with his team-mates jubilation reaching hysterical levels as he stole the score from under the nose of captain Mark Prior. Hearne couldn’t add the extras, but a 17-6 lead after half an hour was healthy and deserved.

 

However Purley were dangerous with ball in hand and superior in the scrum, and from good field position came close to scoring twice; both times denied by the evergreen Andy Harrison, the second intervention verging on the miraculous. The home side were soon on the attack again, and a kick through was fielded by York, covering back impressively. He had time on his side, as well as the presence of Burberry and his siege gun of a right shoe yet the hooker, undoubtedly buoyed by his accurate throwing, chose to clear the lines via the boot himself. The inevitable pressure led to a penalty, which was converted to take the half-time score to 17-9.

 

After conceding a semblance of the initiative at the end of the first period, KCS were urged to start strongly by chairman and coach alike, but as is their wont they did the opposite: Jonny Kiddle gamely overran the kick off, and the resultant penalty cut the deficit to five. Purley did threaten again soon after, but outstanding work on the floor by Richard Moller won the turnover and relieved the pressure. On the whole the second period was a disjointed affair, with the boot dominating from open play, but a combination of good kicking from most of the back line and an infallible lineout meant KCS kept control of both territory and the scoreboard.

 

The killer try was not forthcoming, despite Paddy Smith’s outside break almost making a score for the rampaging Jason Bensohn, who himself had nearly set-up the strong running Burberry shortly beforehand. But fittingly it was in the lineout that the penalty was won that proved decisive: set-piece general Marc Davies was pulled down in the air, and Hearne’s mis-hit kick wobbled over to widen the gap to eight points, and two scores.

 

Because of a resolute desire to entertain supporters, shutting a game out with ease and conviction has never been the forte of KCS, so it was only apt that Purley would score to set up a nervous finale, and this they did through a fine long range effort after a dubious turnover as KCS pressed. The last five minutes were consistently punctuated by the referee’s whistle, as he penalised the visitors obsessively, but Prior’s side determinedly held out to secure a crucial two points, and they can look forward to a tricky run of Christmas fixtures with confidence and excitement. 

 

The Perils of Prior, Series 3 Episode 6

By R.U.A. Pratte

Captain Mark Prior confronts a new menace from a surprising direction......

‘We’re expecting a raid from Hove next week,’ Colonel Ralston explained to Prior as he reached for another bottle of Château Pissoir 2009.  ‘So - which direction do you expect these blighters to come from?’  

Prior thought furiously.  Hove... wasn’t that somewhere near Brighton, centre of all that Oscar Wilde sort of beastliness?  Surely it couldn’t be anywhere near there.  ‘North,’ he said firmly.  

‘Oh Buddha,’ groaned Ralston.  ‘Back to the training camp for you!  Then, see if any of your crack squad knows the correct answer.  Bad things can happen to the best chaps if they don’t know where to expect the oppo to come from!’  

Later, after a period of intensive studies, Prior posed this difficult question to his battle-hardened troops.  ‘Right you acne-ridden shambles – which way’s Hove?’  

‘A worra-worra-worra bokkie-bokkie YAR!’ replied Colonial Agent DC.  

‘Direct not your blasphemous questions at me, look you, loathsome English idolater!’ shot back Agent Jones Minor.  

‘Zzzzzzzzzzz,’ snored Agent Kiddle.  

‘Stupid boy!’ snapped Prior, remembering the famed leadership bons môts of another legendary English Captain.  ‘But we really must be ready for these monstrous Hovises.  According to Clarkson and Winehouse, they’re giant hairy barbarians, who dye their bodies shocking pink, and, respecting neither man nor beast, dress in ostrich feathers and rodent skins, and smell distinctively of...’

But Prior’s words were drowned out by the spontaneous roar of laughter that greeted the latest unfortunate accident that had somehow happened to Agent Sideshow’s trousers.....

To be continued.....

 

Weekend of 21st November

Game 1 - Old Emmanuel Vets 29 SLOB XV 17

Friday night saw the Senior London (very) Old Boys take on Old Emanuel Vets at Blagdons. Among SLOB's ranks were the sagacious Julian Lamb, Andre du Toit with his silvered locks and Eddie Milne, built as he is like a knarled old oak. Mark Prior also played.

 

Having warmed up thoroughly in the bar, the boys removed their dentures and hobbled out onto the field. Play was tight for the first forty minutes and at half time the scores were level at 17 - 17.

 

Captain Tony Price (Cranleighans) called in his charges to prepare them for the next half. Steam rose up from the huddle as long-resisted incontinence took its toll and anecdotes were exchanged about the last time the children came for Christmas.

 

Regrettably, the tales of new slippers did little to rouse the boys and sadly they let through a couple of tries in in the second half.

 

Though SLOB didn't quite manage a victory, the real winner from the evening was Mark Prior who received a tranche of compliments for his performance at six. Thankfully, these compliments were quickly withdrawn when Marky's team mates had the chance to meet him at the bar.

 

Game 2 - Club XV 40 (at least) Old Emmanuel 5

A solid performance from the Club XV. Paddy didn't manage to keep track of the score - I suspect his perception was slightly muddled after an evening with the SLOB on Friday.

 

Saturday 14th November - 1st XV 19 Old Dunstonians 12

I woke with a start at 7am, the wind buffeting my window panes like a Prior team talk. I glanced through the curtains to see that the world was indeed ending, as the nutter on the tube had predicted. Horizontal rain left craters in the walls of houses soon to be torn from their foundations by the force of the hurricane. Assuming that the Four Horsemen would arrive long before the afternoon kick off,  I decided to spend my last few hours of worldly existence kipping.

 

Waking again at 11, I found that the earth had not opened up and, worse, that I had missed several calls from the general, confirming that the game was still on. I simply said "Bugger" and slinked off to Motspur Park. On arrival, it seemed my sentiment was shared by all the boys as they cowered behind the windows, watching in terror as whole flocks of birds were snatched up by the gale and impaled on trees, their corpses to be gathered by the general for the post match lasagne.

 

At length we realised that play was inevitable so we changed grudgingly and went out to face the conditions under the stewardship of Squid, Prior still recovering on the bench after the tough Warlingham game. We had the wind in the first half and used it to great effect, stand in scrum half Jason Bensohn placing a kick beautifully to put Trousers Smith in after ten minutes. The forwards put in a good, tight defensive effort which frustrated OD's attempts to make hard yards with their large tight five. Further success came with another deep kick over the head of the OD winger, gathered well by Muscles who recycled well to put Burberry over for our second score. A bronzed Hearne converted to bring the score to 12-0. The following 10 minutes saw some fruitless exchanges before winning a penalty deep in their half, which Jones put into the corner for lineout. Curtis secured the ball, no mean feat in the conditions, and we set a good maul. York stole the ball from Sideshow before Kiddle stole the ball and the glory from York, scoring easily as the maul crossed the line. Hearne converted again to bring the score to 19-0 and shortly afterwards the whistle blew for half time.

 

There was no self congratulation like last week and the boys knew they needed a massive defensive effort to stop the wind granting ODs the points they required to come back.

 

The defensive effort was produced and the organisation and execution was excellent from one to fifteen. The forwards kept it very tight around the fringes and the backs put in some massive hits, in particular Andy "hung like Wayne Barnes" Harrison who took great pleasure in destroying the OD outside backs. It was only with a tricksy bit of crossing that ODs finally managed to score after around fifteen minutes. Another, fairer, score followed shortly after, ODs taking advantage of one of the few lapses in our defence. 19-12 and the game not looking so rosy as we had thought at half time. However, there was no whinging and the boys got back in the saddle immediately. There followed some of the best rugby we have played all season. Defence was tight and there were several great phases of running play, forwards and backs interlinking with perpetual offloads to gain precious yards. One such attack gained sixty yards to bring us within ten yards of the OD line before some twat in a headband knocked on a tap penalty. Kings continued to play in this manner and closed the game out successfully to bring about a hard fought win. Man of the Match went to Squid for his masterful effort in the captain's role.

 

Saturday 7th November - Warlingham 44 1st XV 18

Sometimes rugby football is a game of two similar halves.

 

Feeling a little too good after success against Sevenoaks, the 1s were off to a spirited start and debutant Rob Morrison slotted a penalty in the Warlingham 22. We followed this up with some good flowing play to put other debutant Ben Elkington over in the corner. Being 8 - 0 up we naturally took the opportunity to compliment each other's great skills and lovely thighs and as we were doing this Warlingham swiftly put 20 points past us.

 

Half time, feeling rather sheepish and with our tails between our (lovely) thighs, we put the period of poor play behind us and entered the new half with renewed spirit.

 

The new spirit told and within five minutes The Muscle Elkington muscled over for his second try (on debut - dangerous!). Shortly after, Burberry's oak thighs featured strongly after their weeks of absence, this time barely managing to avoid tripping over themselves before delivering their egg shaped charge safely over the white line for five points. 18 - 20 and the world was a happy place again. Compliments floated around the camp like sweet incense and all fifteen men were bewitched into a blissful stupor. Warlingham needed no second invitation and swiftly put 24 further points on us to put the game beyond saving with ten minutes to go.

 

Needless to say we left the pitch feeling like unmentionables, having committed the same inexcusable offence two halves on the trot. I'd like to say lesson learned. Only next week will tell...

 

(T: Elkington (2), Burberry P: Morrison)

 

The Perils of Prior – Series 3, Episode 5

By R.U.A. Pratte

 The story so far: Captain Prior seeks advice – and gets it!

 “‘Hit them early, and hit them hard‘ – what does that mean?” Prior asked Colonel Ralston as he puzzled over Training Officer Robson’s latest tactical instructions.  “ This stuff is far too complex for our lads.  I think I’ll cook up something simpler.”

Colonel Ralston consoled Prior with a foaming tankard  of Old Melksham Industrial 12% Scrumpy (‘a run for your money guaranteed’), and offered his own wise counsel.  “Don’t be too hasty, lad,” he cautioned.   “Quite a few apparently brainy fellows have charged off following their own ideas – and they always come a cropper.  Now, consider the sad tale of Corporal MacMoron.  He got some strange notions into his head, which wouldn’t be shifted.  He’d sit in the corner all alone, save for his faithful hound Fatty, who’d lie at his feet, panting and growling menacingly.  MacMoron would mutter to himself, weird stuff about  mushrooms, and astrology, and yellow gnomes, and secret codes.  One dank autumn evening, he suddenly leapt to his feet, shouting ‘I’ve got it!  They’re out there! And they’re coming to get me – unless I get them first!  Ha-ha-ha!’  Grabbing a pointed stick, he set off across the Beverley Bridge, and strode off into the dripping woods, Fatty gamely waddling along behind him.     That night, great roars and shouts, barks and howls echoed from the depths of the forest.  The racket was terrible!  At dawn, our search parties set out, and eventually found Fatty – filthy, exhausted, foaming at the mouth – but alive.  A handful of dog biscuits soon revived him.  MacMoron was never seen again….”

 To be continued….

 

Saturday 31st October - Club XV 57 Streatham & Croydon 12

 (T; Richards(3), Harrison(2), Weguelin, Pitts, York, Calaminus, C; Jones(6))

Saturday saw a tidy Club side  take on Streatham & Croydon. With the exceptions of Ant "hands like soapy tits" Emmerson*, the boys met the challenge and overcame the opposition with some class.

 *courtesy Mr McGoo

 

Saturday 24th October - 1st XV 30 Sevenoaks 23

The good news from Saturday is that our hooker Tom Smith is recovering well from his nasty knock. Our thanks to our own Jane and to the Ambulance staff who helped him. Watch this space for the full match report, in the meantime... 

 

The Perils of Prior – Series 3, Episode 4

By R.U.A. Pratte 

The story so far: Prior must rally his crack corps after their unfortunate reverse in Deal…

 ‘Do you know where these *%$@ers are from?’ demanded  Captain Mark Prior, as his elite band of agents confronted the latest Menace from the East.

‘Raynes Park?’ suggested Junior Agent Kiddle helpfully.

‘No me lad, far worse than that,’ explained Prior.  ‘Kent, that’s where, KENT.  Do any of  you know where that is?..... No? Well, it’s out East, beyond Croydon.  Out beyond the realms of our darkest nightmares.  It’s in a place where even Noddy fears to go!  But that won’t stop us, will it? We’re going to run round them, over them, through them, we’re gonna…’

But Prior’s stirring words were drowned out by the spontaneous roar of laughter that greeted an unfortunate incident  that had occurred with Special Agent Side Show’s trousers.  Dear old Col. Ralston tried to revive his spirits with a swig from his private bottle of Glen Haggis (‘distilled in Glasgie for local consumption only’).

 To be continued….

Saturday 17th October - Deal & Betteshanger 29 1st XV 11

The 1s assembled at 11am on Saturday, the low winter sun stinging their bleary eyes. Bleariest of all was a booze-addled Kiddle, whose normally cheery face, illuminated by the sporadic glow of his breakfast fag, had given way to a bitter grimace. Faced with two long fagless hours on the bus to Deal, Kiddle was in no mood to receive the news that it was his birthday, not Hearne's, that we'd be celebrating on the way home. Receive it he did and forthwith the bus pulled out of Motspur Park, Kiddle sobbing softly into his Sun.

 

There followed nearly 100 miles of history lessons from Prior, who insisted that Portugal has never had a navy. On arrival in Deal, we took a long draught of the bracing sea air and set our minds on the game. Moonface fired us up in his inimitable style and we started the game, Deal kicking off with the wind. After some tough early exchanges, Deal were first to score with a peel off the back of a maul. Their kicker duly converted to set the score at 7-0. Frustrated by our own soft defence, we came back at them and forced a penalty well in their half which Hearne slotted to drag it back to 7-3. Further soft defence saw them score another try, unconverted, in the first half. At half time we felt that nine points was very doable, especially now that we had the wind.

 

We drew first blood in the second half via another Hearne penalty. We then fought hungrily for the converted try which would put us in front. Unfortunately any hunger was thwarted by repeated errors and growing frustrations led to some relly poor play. Deal took full advantage and scored another two tries after sustained attacks. We had some relief with five points from Gert Moller but were, unfortunately, not quite up to snatching it back. Deal scored a penalty with the last kick of the game to bring up the final score. Another disappointing game in which we could have done much better.

 

On the way home we shared a solemn glass of port and listened to talking books on the general's ipod.

 

The Perils of Prior - Series 3 - Episode 3

By R.U.A. Pratte

 

Captain Mark Prior's crack team have sufferred a surprise attack by the monstrous Lewesians.  Now he must organise the defence....

 

Prior regarded the on-rushing Lewesian number 1 with interest.  At least 24 stone, lightning fast, spraying noxious sweat in all directions.  Somehow, this awesome specimen reminded him of someone; was it  'Mad Dog' Ferraby - or 'Wild Boy' Reynolds - but that was all in the past. Now, what was it that Major Robson had explained in training? 'Hit 'em hard...use your head...keep your feet together!'  There was only time to put one of these valuable lessons from the seasoned old pro into practice - but which one should he choose?  Prior smiled grimly, and firmly placed his right foot on top of his left.... 

'Great Galloping Gremlins of Melksham!' he cried as the monstrous apparition swerved past him, cackling insanely.  But he was confident that his boys would somehow come through.  Squid the Kid or One-arm Bob would nail the brute.....

 

To be continued...................

 

The Perils of Prior - Series 3 Episode 2

By R.U.A. Pratte 

The story so far… Special Agent Mark Prior has been promoted to Captain – and he has a new badge to prove it!  Colonel Ralston has entrusted him with a mission to sort out the perverts in the East. Accordingly, Prior has assembled a formidable crew, who have swept all before them.  Now, for Phase 2, he must explain his cunning plans…. 

Captain Mark Prior addressed his hand-picked team of agents, athletes and deviants before launching his latest assault.  ‘’We’re gonna *&^%$ing %$”£ :}?@ the *£@? bastards!’ He explained. 

‘Please sir?’ enquired Junior Special Agent Jones, ‘But what’s the purpose of those rubber jackboots, those industrial sized packs of fruit pastilles, that hogshead of Harvey’s Bristol Cream, and all those tubes of Hello Sailor biodegradable axel grease.  I really don’t like the look of these accessories, …..sir.’

‘Quiet, boy…. can’t you see I’m thinking?’  replied Prior confidently.  Hadn’t his cunning plan paid off against the Reigate rogerers? And there’d be no more of that bestiality beastliness out of Bromley for a while, he was sure of that.  But these Lewes chappies presented a different and more formidable puzzle, hidden away as they were in their secret valley beneath the misty peaks of the fabled South  Downs (according to gurgle maps).  Then it came to him: a mindless volunteer would be needed.

‘Kiddle, come here!’ he barked. 

To be continued…….

Saturday 3 October - Club XV 69 Old Whits 15

Those that braved the ground on Saturday returned with an easy win and a gratuitously sexual scoreline. Matt Reid, Andy Allon and Ryan Lang all playing for the first time although I'm told we have seen Matt before who turned in a class act with 25 points including a first half hat trick. I'm not sure we saw the jug though. Also good to see Andy Harrison and Tim Ralston come through 70 minutes after both had missed two years with knee injuries. The oppo were spirited for much of the first half but injuries disrupted them and even when we voluntarily went down to 13 men we still scored.

 

Saturday 26 September - 1st XV 27 Bromley 14

The Prior Effect? by Trousers Smith

"Another win to start the season, I hear myself asking can this be because of our new skipper? My answer is a flat no.

King’s ran out on to the hard Motspur Park turf with the sun beating down on our backs to face a Bromley side who had turned up only ten minutess before kick off thus ensuring we had a later kick off at the time of 3.15.

We intended to make Bromley pay for this tardiness and Captain Prior reminded us of our duty to do this on the pitch.

After a fast paced start Kings touched down first through Nick Burberry bursting through the middle with his trademark oak legs.

After conceding a somewhat soft try from some poor handling and some unforced errors Kings quickly regrouped and Hearne slotted a penalty and a Rich (Gert) Moller try from a steal of Bromley’s line out meant Kings went in to half time with a lead that needed to be increased as soon as the second half began.

Kings exploded in the second half after words from our Lederhosen clad coach who is on his enforced break from playing and imparting his wisdom to us and the over zealous referee at any opportunity.

Tries from Smith - the skinny one not the fat one - and Kelly gave Kings a comfortable lead of 27-7 and then a period of Kings being lazy and thinking the game was won allowed Bromley to fashion a few scoring chances. Thankfully, Kings managed to snuff these out to hold the scoreline.

We could and should have put more points on Bromley as we dominated the scrum and our lineout functioned very well but this will come as we keep building momentum.

Come to training and listen to George except when he is drunk,  join the love train and the good times will keep coming.

I was forced to write this match report."

Thank you Trousers.

 

Saturday 19 September - Reigatians 21 1st XV 21

Last weekend the 1s tripped down the A217 to take on a promotion-hungry Reigatians.

 

Thankfully, the construction of a new clubhouse meant we changed a mere six miles from the pitch and having left the changing room just after noon we arrived pitchside with at least five minutes to spare before the three o'clock kick off. Shortly after, the home team filed out from a modest pavilion a few yards away and the Captains shook and tossed.

 

Skipper Squiddy lost the toss and tactfully chose to take on the slope in the first half while our legs were fresh.

 

Reigatians had some big boys who started fast and hard but the Kings defence held it together. The home team's impact runners made little ground as Jason Bensohn at 10 and the back row of Rich Morrell, Eddie Landsberg and Darryn Clark, all sevens at heart, put in some big hits and sucked up the pressure. Unfortunately, it was the build up of pressure that led to our first setback. With nothing coming through the centres, the Reigatian 10 put a kick over the top which landed in our 22 and, with a generous bounce, allowed their 14 a soft score near the posts. A simple conversion set the score at 7-0.

 

The Kings boys were not disheartened and were straight back in the game after forcing a penalty in their half which Jamie Hearne caressed over to bring the score to 7-3. Crew Jones then took advantage of a gaping blindside to score our first try and put us in the lead. Reigatians seemed taken aback by our defensive solidity and attacking fervour but Kings kept on playing and we were unlucky not to take further chances in the first half. Conversely, Reigatians did well to upset our scrummage to set up a chance which their pugnacious 11 took without hesitation, scoring near our posts shortly before half time.

 

Though we were down at the break, spirits were high and we were confident that the downhill slope in the second half would translate into points. After the whistle, though, the intensity of the first period and the dry heat began to tell as we struggled to put any real pace on the ball going forward. The fatigue ate into our defence and after holding strong for much of the second half, Reigatians found space down the right hand side to score their third try.

 

After the anguish of last season, many of the spectators must have though "not again..." but Kings remained resolute and that attitude carried us through the final ten minutes of the game. In spite of the scoreline, in spite of the heat, in spite of the growing frustrations we stayed hungry and attacked their line. Eventually we forced a penalty in the their 22, knowing time was nearly up. Club skipper Moonface strode into the breach manfully to take the ball on ten and set up a phase. The forwards all drove over desperately to grant Crew Jones the clean ball he needed. Crew duly shipped the ball to Jason who picked out Nick Burberry running a tight, hard line. Burberry's oak thighs broke through the Reigatians' defence with ease to place the ball under the posts. Hearne made no mistake in adding the extras to bring the score to 21-21.

 

Kings were lined up to receive the restart but three short blows on the ref's whistle put an end to our fight. We didn't get the win we wanted but we can take a lot of confidence from the hard fought draw against a tough side.

 

 

 

By popular demand, the return of....

 

The Perils of Prior

By R.U.A. Pratte

A continuing saga of delusion, depravity and… rugby!

 

Mark Prior woke with a start, and immediately started furiously polishing his new badge.  The shiny chrome-plated badge.  The one that he kept safely under his pillow.  The one that said, 'CAPTAIN.' 

It was only yesterday that Special Agent Prior was summoned to a secret meeting with his section chief, dear old Colonel Ralston.

'We have a problem, Prior,' said Ralston, hand trembling as he reached for the whisky bottle.  'There's some new beastliness that's been growing out East, festering in the darkness like an evil growth.  We've had reports of toe-sucking in Tonbridge, sodomy in Sevenoaks, bestiality in Bromley... the list is endless!  I want you to lead a crack undercover team out there, and sort these scoundrels out!  You can pick your own chaps, you get a promotion to captain.......... and you get a badge!'

Prior grinned savagely as he contemplated his badge, line-up and master plan.  He'd call up Squid the Kid, One-armed Bob, Psycho Sideshow, the Jones boys, 'Mad' Danny Bowen......  He'd disguise them as a rugby team, to confuse the opposition.  And he'd make them all call him 'Sir.'  Those vile devils out East would never know what hit them....

 

All characters fictitious, to protect the guilty.  To be continued....................

Kit

There are several and various new items of kit for the new season. Please contact Paddy for an order form.

 

Training

Coach Zinedine Robson starts proceedings at 7.30pm every Tuesday and Thursday. We welcome all standards.